For a majority of my life I longed for a large clique of friends. The dream was simple, our husbands would be friends, our children would be friends. We would live in the same community, meet at the park and pool, have pizza on Friday nights. When I moved to Lawrenceville, I worked hard to develop the clique, and I did achieve the goal, and then I went through my NJ divorce and the clique ditched me. Buhh bye... But while painful, I realized that my natural desire to have the clique doesn't particularly fit with my personality or lifestyle. Instead, I've realized I'm more of an island type of chick, and I'm really happy with the change of attitude. Instead of a clique, I have many women in my life, each different and each plays an important role.
To describe the five in a blog post doesn't do them justice, but I will try. Because if you are going through a divorce or are post-divorce, you need these types of women around you.
And, yes, I changed their names...to all stripper names...I really don't know why, but it certainly makes it all a bit funnier.
Bubbles is one of my two local best buds, happily married and a very successful business women. She's well liked and well connected in our community on many levels. She is the local friend I would call in the middle of the night, she's also the one I would hide behind during a fight (she is one tough cookie). When I got bad news from the doctor last year, I ran and cried on her shoulder. We meet for lunch and we can each pour our hearts out. She's got drama to share, I've got drama to share - and we always seem to be working through the same type of stuff. Most importantly, we both know it is all under veil of secrecy like the "get smart cone of silence." No one really knows we are good friends - they usually find out when they start talking trash about me and she jumps to my side.
Bambie and I were acquaintances during our High School years. She friended me on Facebook and it was fun to reconnect and see that she was doing well and looked happy. We both have three children and are awesome active moms living similar lives in different states. We were divorcing at the same time and have connected countless times over facebook messaging about our post-divorce dating lives. She is someone who constantly tells me it is great to see me and my guy so happy and I regularly do the same. I have found tremendous comfort knowing there is someone just like me out there as we both have both recently walked down the path of introducing the new guy to our kids. Today I woke up to a FB message from her that her new guy had cheated - and I had tears over the pain she must be feeling.
My friend Roxie is that bundle of energy on the other side of the country. I found her during a stint of personal growth work in California. When I was in an insane post-divorce relationship, she was in one as equally as crazy. She was the one who wasn't scared to warn me about the hell I would face if I stayed. She also was the one to applaud my decision to stay since I was convinced it was the right place for me to be. I could feel her hug across the country when I finally left him, and she applauds me constantly for great life I now have. She is my cheerleader.
Daisy and I were neighbors, circulating in very different circles for the first 9 years I lived in Lawrenceville. She went through a bit of weird drama with her clique and I had heard she was out. One day I got a message from her stating "wanna have lunch?" I was wondering if she wanted a friend, was about to start a phd program, or wanted info on getting a divorce. I would not have been surprised by any scenario, and when it was the latter, I was honored that she chose me to reach out to at such a time of crisis. She went through a bad trial in the court of public opinion like I did, and is the one person I can laugh with about how those who judged us are pathetic. I have applauded her as she has moved on through some very difficult times in the last few years and could not be happier that she has found an abundance of peace and happiness settling into a great life for her and her children. She is the greatest post-divorce success story I have seen.
And then there is Candy. I have saved her for last on purpose. She is my dearest friend. During the many calls I had to make when I was getting divorced, she was the one and only person who told me she completely trusted I was making the right decision. I can call her and remind her of a funny story from 20 years ago, I can call her when my life is in crisis and I am in unbearable pain. She has a wild unprecedented dedication to her family. She is a business success story in NYC and has left and postponed, a meeting or two to take a call when I was at the edge. She is the one friend who follows up for days after making sure I am ok. She isn't afraid to tell me she disagrees with me, and knows my entire adult history well enough that is the one person who can look at any issue with me from a historical perspective.
Every divorcing and post-divorce women needs support around them. Your friends may fall into categories like mine, or may be a completely different mix. No matter how they shake out in your life, make sure you have a group you can shake it with - like my Bubbles, Bambie, Roxie, Daisy, and Candy. Women I am lucky to have in my life for their friendship, and hey, if I ever open a strip club, I've got my headline acts all set.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
The ex-wife rears her ugly head....
...emphasis on Ugly
So imagine this...we are in a beautiful hotel room in Cape May, New Jersey on the last night of vacation. Mission has been accomplished, my boyfriend and my children have bonded in a way I never thought possible. He stepped up 150%, was my co-pilot with the kids, and most importantly he struck the right balance of "parent" and "spoiler." The kids are having fun raiding maids carts in the hallway (we all have an unhealthy addiction to those little bottles of shampoo) and playing with a laser pointer out the window annoying children and parents below (that last part we finally did stop when parents started scowling at our window).
Then his cell phone rang - a highly unusual event - and I know "who is hurt or dead?" went through my mind. He looks at the number, and says "no, it couldn't be." And I knew. It was her, the ex-wife. Their end was bitter, they have no children - they do not talk. But she is calling. We are baffled and a bit startled. She leaves an incoherent message. I tried to call back twice - once I think she answered but then hung up. Why I did this I will never know.
And then, as if it was perfectly timed, a series of text messages started. "You were supposed to be my husband," one even eluded to their sex life. I think she mentioned words like "commitment", "forever." Some of it was very garbled and clearly she was intoxicated. My man was an ace, showed me the phone right away, asked me how I wanted him to handle it. Didn't try to hide anything. He was clear, we were going to take these next steps together. I encouraged him to write back to see what she wanted, better find out now than wait (we both hate waiting). At one point he typed back "what do you want?" Her last reply was completely incoherent, made a comment about wanting money, and we decided to stop.
Now I should point out a few things: yes, we were posting like maniacs on Facebook throughout the trip. We were excited that our relationship had progressed to the point where he was spending this type of time with my kids and I was jumping out of my skin that he was ready, willing, and able to do the big family vaca. We were whispering the word "family" to one another. He posted lyrics to a love song on FB and someone wrote the comment "when is the wedding." While she is blocked from his Facebook account, they have many mutual friends. The timing of her reaching out was too coincidental. She had been told or shown that he had not only moved onto a new relationship, but to a family.
When the first call came, and then the texts, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, adrenalin started pumping, and I pushed my crazy bitch-crazy girlfriend persona back into her cave (hey, I'm not getting rid of her completely, she may in fact come in handy one day). Instead I dug deep and decided there was a much better way to handle the mess.
First, I acknowledged that he still had yet to have the heartfelt appology he so deserved. You know I don't share initmate details of the demise of my marriage so I am certainly not going to share them of his, but he deserves an appology. I knew that while the apology would never erase the insanity she caused, maybe it would give him an ounce of peace. And I was hoping that with a short series of drunken texts, maybe she was going to go there. And maybe some remorse or acknowledgement on her end would help him heal a bit more.
Secondly, and you may think it is crazy, but, I'm not stupid: anytime an ex reaches out with a declaration of "you are supposed to be mine forever," there is a certain little ego boost that one experiences and I encouraged him to acknoweldge that was happening. Yes, this may sound strange but just like when you get hit on in a bar, when an ex circles back it feels good. And I am so secure in our relationship that I was fine with him getting the superficial boost. He's all mine and I know he isn't going anywhere.
Lastly, and I knew it had to happen, I did tell him that I did not want him to have any contact with her..no more texts, no email, no phone, no nothing. It isn't healthy for him, not healthy for our relationship, and well, honestly, I just can't handle it. Yes, I'm very very secure in our relationship, we've made the big commitment, I trust him enough to bring him into the lives of my children. And I know, he doesn't want her back. But that doesn't mean they should have contact, and even if there was some curiosity, I felt my request was completely reasonable. And he agreed.
I realize that I could have gone all bitch raging crazy on this situation...."why is she contacting you?" "Is this what you want?!?!" But I kept my cool. I sat securely in my relationship with this man that I love, and thought deeply and quickly about the best way to handle the mess. I thought about how I would want my boyfriend to act if the tables were turned and all that I would need to hear. I came from the greatest place of compassion, love and concern.
And so we lived to tell the tale - something that certainly shocked us both certainly didn't rock us. He was honest, upfront and didn't try to hide anything. I remained calm and focused.
Of course I can't help but to wonder what she wanted...does she want him back? Is she angry because he has healed and isn't pining away for her? Does she think that she could start some secret texting with him and drive a wedge in our relationship? Is she devastated that he has moved on and he is now part of a family? Oh wait, who cares, she's history....buhhh bye....
So imagine this...we are in a beautiful hotel room in Cape May, New Jersey on the last night of vacation. Mission has been accomplished, my boyfriend and my children have bonded in a way I never thought possible. He stepped up 150%, was my co-pilot with the kids, and most importantly he struck the right balance of "parent" and "spoiler." The kids are having fun raiding maids carts in the hallway (we all have an unhealthy addiction to those little bottles of shampoo) and playing with a laser pointer out the window annoying children and parents below (that last part we finally did stop when parents started scowling at our window).
Then his cell phone rang - a highly unusual event - and I know "who is hurt or dead?" went through my mind. He looks at the number, and says "no, it couldn't be." And I knew. It was her, the ex-wife. Their end was bitter, they have no children - they do not talk. But she is calling. We are baffled and a bit startled. She leaves an incoherent message. I tried to call back twice - once I think she answered but then hung up. Why I did this I will never know.
And then, as if it was perfectly timed, a series of text messages started. "You were supposed to be my husband," one even eluded to their sex life. I think she mentioned words like "commitment", "forever." Some of it was very garbled and clearly she was intoxicated. My man was an ace, showed me the phone right away, asked me how I wanted him to handle it. Didn't try to hide anything. He was clear, we were going to take these next steps together. I encouraged him to write back to see what she wanted, better find out now than wait (we both hate waiting). At one point he typed back "what do you want?" Her last reply was completely incoherent, made a comment about wanting money, and we decided to stop.
Now I should point out a few things: yes, we were posting like maniacs on Facebook throughout the trip. We were excited that our relationship had progressed to the point where he was spending this type of time with my kids and I was jumping out of my skin that he was ready, willing, and able to do the big family vaca. We were whispering the word "family" to one another. He posted lyrics to a love song on FB and someone wrote the comment "when is the wedding." While she is blocked from his Facebook account, they have many mutual friends. The timing of her reaching out was too coincidental. She had been told or shown that he had not only moved onto a new relationship, but to a family.
When the first call came, and then the texts, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, adrenalin started pumping, and I pushed my crazy bitch-crazy girlfriend persona back into her cave (hey, I'm not getting rid of her completely, she may in fact come in handy one day). Instead I dug deep and decided there was a much better way to handle the mess.
First, I acknowledged that he still had yet to have the heartfelt appology he so deserved. You know I don't share initmate details of the demise of my marriage so I am certainly not going to share them of his, but he deserves an appology. I knew that while the apology would never erase the insanity she caused, maybe it would give him an ounce of peace. And I was hoping that with a short series of drunken texts, maybe she was going to go there. And maybe some remorse or acknowledgement on her end would help him heal a bit more.
Secondly, and you may think it is crazy, but, I'm not stupid: anytime an ex reaches out with a declaration of "you are supposed to be mine forever," there is a certain little ego boost that one experiences and I encouraged him to acknoweldge that was happening. Yes, this may sound strange but just like when you get hit on in a bar, when an ex circles back it feels good. And I am so secure in our relationship that I was fine with him getting the superficial boost. He's all mine and I know he isn't going anywhere.
Lastly, and I knew it had to happen, I did tell him that I did not want him to have any contact with her..no more texts, no email, no phone, no nothing. It isn't healthy for him, not healthy for our relationship, and well, honestly, I just can't handle it. Yes, I'm very very secure in our relationship, we've made the big commitment, I trust him enough to bring him into the lives of my children. And I know, he doesn't want her back. But that doesn't mean they should have contact, and even if there was some curiosity, I felt my request was completely reasonable. And he agreed.
I realize that I could have gone all bitch raging crazy on this situation...."why is she contacting you?" "Is this what you want?!?!" But I kept my cool. I sat securely in my relationship with this man that I love, and thought deeply and quickly about the best way to handle the mess. I thought about how I would want my boyfriend to act if the tables were turned and all that I would need to hear. I came from the greatest place of compassion, love and concern.
And so we lived to tell the tale - something that certainly shocked us both certainly didn't rock us. He was honest, upfront and didn't try to hide anything. I remained calm and focused.
Of course I can't help but to wonder what she wanted...does she want him back? Is she angry because he has healed and isn't pining away for her? Does she think that she could start some secret texting with him and drive a wedge in our relationship? Is she devastated that he has moved on and he is now part of a family? Oh wait, who cares, she's history....buhhh bye....
Monday, August 13, 2012
A day in the life of a New Jersey Single Mom
I thought it would be downright amusing to sit and actually think about all that I do in an average day.
Now to say that I actually have a typical day is hysterical all in itself. So I'm going to list some average occurrences filled in with some tidbits of some unusual happenings.
My day starts off at 6am - usually because I have to use the ladies room. Now, until about 9 months ago, I would be able to fall back to sleep. But 9 months ago my boyfriend entered my life and well, he is a morning person. And somehow, he has trained me to get up early. Usually I'm not all that happy about it, but once I get rockin' and see all that I can get done, ok, its very grown-up.
I check my phone and there is always a sweet little text from my boyfriend, yes he is amazing. He knows how much I appreciate the early morning thought. It also shows me that he is already up, usually hitting his email, and he inspires me to get going.
As the song goes...I stumble downstairs, into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of ambition - if you know the rest of the words, good for you, it is a classic. Ok, well I first have to make the coffee - and it isn't just ambition, for that time of day, it is literally the source of life. And I need a Kuerig. The pot, filter, measuring spoon thing is no longer working for me.
I sit down and start working immediately. My job is a bit nuts right now - lots to do.
At 8 am I wake my youngest up for camp. She usually showers and gets her stuff for the day together. I make her lunch, we chat, and leave at 8:45 to drop her off. There is a walk-in involved, kiss and hug, I usually try to strike up a conversation with a counselor to get to know them (hey, they have my baby all day) and then I am back to the house to work. At 10am the fun begins attempting to wake up the teen and tween. I am met with growls and snarls, and rolling eye rolls and looks like I have just taken away their iphones. Usually I see some success around 11am. This is progress as when left to their own devices, they do not emerge until 1pm.
Oh, I should add that on Tuesday/Thursday I go to a personal trainer - a perpetual gift from my boyfriend - he claims he wanted me to feel better about my abs (I would hide them) - turns out he wanted my butt to get bigger. Hence, he will now pay for the personal trainer forever.
So now I'm home, kids are up, they are grumpy, they are on their computers, I am working, they usually go off to the pool, I continue working.
Sometime around 3pm I realize that I forgot to eat lunch so that gets taken care off. By 4 I have to get the little one from camp.
Then there is the endless rounds of laundry (and telling the kids to do their laundry), dinner, driving someone somewhere, once a week we go out to dinner, and I try to do something fun with them like mini golf. They don't want to do a family bike-ride anymore. We have a few shows we like to watch at night - but honestly the tv rarely goes on. I shower, tuck the little one in bed (not allowed to tuck the other ones in any more so I just mention to them it is time for bed), and then I fall into bed ipad in hand, and catch-up on news and facebook.
Now, things that have been added to my day in the past week: vet appointments for my boyfriends dog (a 5 hour round trip excursion) as our poor puppy scratched his cornea; private dance and guitar lessons (although I have realized the benefit of a guitar teacher who comes to the house and dance lessons that are just two miles away); and chasing down my 12 year old when she forgets to tell me where she is.
At 8 am I wake my youngest up for camp. She usually showers and gets her stuff for the day together. I make her lunch, we chat, and leave at 8:45 to drop her off. There is a walk-in involved, kiss and hug, I usually try to strike up a conversation with a counselor to get to know them (hey, they have my baby all day) and then I am back to the house to work. At 10am the fun begins attempting to wake up the teen and tween. I am met with growls and snarls, and rolling eye rolls and looks like I have just taken away their iphones. Usually I see some success around 11am. This is progress as when left to their own devices, they do not emerge until 1pm.
Oh, I should add that on Tuesday/Thursday I go to a personal trainer - a perpetual gift from my boyfriend - he claims he wanted me to feel better about my abs (I would hide them) - turns out he wanted my butt to get bigger. Hence, he will now pay for the personal trainer forever.
So now I'm home, kids are up, they are grumpy, they are on their computers, I am working, they usually go off to the pool, I continue working.
Sometime around 3pm I realize that I forgot to eat lunch so that gets taken care off. By 4 I have to get the little one from camp.
Then there is the endless rounds of laundry (and telling the kids to do their laundry), dinner, driving someone somewhere, once a week we go out to dinner, and I try to do something fun with them like mini golf. They don't want to do a family bike-ride anymore. We have a few shows we like to watch at night - but honestly the tv rarely goes on. I shower, tuck the little one in bed (not allowed to tuck the other ones in any more so I just mention to them it is time for bed), and then I fall into bed ipad in hand, and catch-up on news and facebook.
Now, things that have been added to my day in the past week: vet appointments for my boyfriends dog (a 5 hour round trip excursion) as our poor puppy scratched his cornea; private dance and guitar lessons (although I have realized the benefit of a guitar teacher who comes to the house and dance lessons that are just two miles away); and chasing down my 12 year old when she forgets to tell me where she is.
After going through this little exercise, my new motto is "roll with it."
Downright amusing....hysterically funny in a very dark way...and it is my life and I love every minute of the craziness. Wouldn't trade it for the world.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Maria Schriver Looks Good in a Bathing Suit
Because a woman needs a man to look good like a fish needs a bicycle.
Nuff said.
As a divorced single mom, I was psyched for Maria Schriver when I saw her bathing suit pictures published this week in the Huffington Post. Now let me first start out by saying that no, I would not want my bathing suit pictures published for the whole world to see – not even if I had a rocking body. And I often think that the media infringes on the privacy of just about everyone. HOWEVER, good for Maria. She is one hot single momma.
So after I sent a karmatic “high five” her way, I sat back and read some internet commentary on her pictures. What was so astounding to me are the number of people who were making references to the fact that she still looked good after the divorce…it was as if they were surprise she looked so good. One said “maybe she doesn’t need Arnold”…ummm, no kidding. Maybe they were expecting her to look all haggard after losing her man or from the trauma some believe she went through. Heck no…good riddance Mr. Cheater who had a child with the housekeeper. The relief she felt from ditching good old Arnie clearly was better for her looks than a good strong shot of Botox.
Does anyone honestly believe that a woman needs a man to look good? Well yes, just about as much as a fish needs a bicycle. Get my point?
The Schriver issue brought to my mind this idea that to look good, to shine, to preen, has nothing to do with whom you spend your time with or your marital status. Ladies, how good we look is all about who we are…and I am fabulous, and so are you and so we look that way. But most importantly, no way do I, nor you, nor Maria Schriver…..needs a man by her side to look good. It is corny to say, but beauty comes from within.
And on a very personal ending I will share that I have come to realize that if the stars align, and you find the right man, you may just shine a bit brighter due to the insane happiness you feel inside of you because of who is by your side. That’s where I am right now…it is awesome, and I hope each of you experiences it in the very near future.
Friday, August 3, 2012
NJ Divorce - one good friend
I will talk often about frienships and the possible transition you may experience. I've had the full range of friend problems. My ex and I separated a bit over three years ago, and as I have previously discussed, my friends did not handle it well at all. With the exception of one of my besties. When I called to share the decision with her she said "ya know, I trust that you are making the best decision for yourself. You have a good head on your shoulders. If it was one of our other friends, I might not feel as comfortable. But I know you, and I know you have really thought this out." Now, don't get be wrong, she wasn't thrilled. She had been there when my ex and I first started dating. She was in our wedding. She was our constant third (not a third wheel) and whenever the group got together. She is the godmother to our youngest child. And when all the shit was hitting the fan, she had confidence in me and my decision to know what is best for me in my life. She knew that if I was walking away from the marriage, I needed to get out. I often think of her trust and the confidence she had in me that day. It is why I call her when I am at my worst points - when I am going through something horrible. Because she knows me best of all and can say "you've got this...you can fix it...you know it will get better." Even if she can't figure out any advice on how to go about those first few steps. If you are divorced or divorcing, and if you don't have at least one good friend like mine... I'll help you out. No matter what, it will be fine. You are making a good decision for you. You will fix it. Then repeat it 100x - and maybe 100 more if you need it. Also, if you have a friend who is in a divorce or a single mom, make sure she knows you have her back. That while there may be physical distance and you can't see each other all the time, when you chat convey to her a message of hope - it is all she needs.
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