Tips for the Single Mom

being fabulous in your Post-Divorce life....

1.  Commit to being the most authentic version of yourself.  Don't create a persona or allow others to shape any part of you. For some of you out there this may mean deeply exploring areas of your psyche that have been dormant for quite some time (either by choice or by force).  Finding a good therapist can help you along the way as well as your commitment to being completely honest with yourself.  

2.  Stretch yourself to be hip in some way.  If you are a nerd with a wardrobe from the 1980's, head to mall for new threads.  If your kids roll your eyes at your music selection, try listening to some contemporary tunes.

3. Let go of the past.  As Wayne Dyer says, "the wake does not steer the ship."  The only part of your past you are truly stuck with is the fact that you have fabulous children.  Everything else is up for negotiating if it is coming with you into your future. 

4.  Challenge yourself to do something new, exciting, and scary every single week.  This can take on a lot of different forms for many different gals.  You may want to start skydiving, horseback riding, or step foot in a gym for the first time. The important thing is that the challenge move you forward. And remember, the way you challenge yourself may seem completely insane, ridiculous, or boring to another individual.  Own it, realize it has nothing to do with anyone else, enjoy the rush, and applaud yourself afterwards.  Then plan the next one.

5.  Shake what your mamma gave you...accept your body for all of its glory.  For me this was starting to wear a bikini - for the first time since high school....yes, you read this correctly.  Previously I had been told by certain individuals in a very demeaning way to cover up my "tummy area."   Ya know what, screw 'em.  Don't assume any of this was easy.  Just going shopping was hard - thank goodness for the very kind saleswoman who pulled my size in every single bikini.  I then was so mortified it took all the strength I had to walk around my empty house for the first time in it.  Turns out, I rock a bikini and lots of other quite trendy, appropriate, yet totally hot clothes.

6.  Become a morning person.  I still struggle with this last one every day.  My boyfriend is a morning person - he doesn't just believe the early bird catches the worm, he believes you should be the very first early bird out of bed every morning.  This takes a lot of getting use to.  I can share that the first time I realized how much  I got done before others were even awake, I was sold.  I can also share that there may be times when you beg your kids to go to bed earlier because you have been up since 6am - this last part is hard with teenagers.

A Single Mom Breakthrough...

watch out for banana hammocks.

I split from my now ex-husband a few months shy of my 40th birthday.  For a girl who had usually planned life around major events this was fairly significant.  There would be no party, no big trip, no celebration, no one coordinating activities, or buying big gifts.  I wouldn't be taken out to dinner that night.  And since just about everyone else in my life was furious or shocked with the idea of the divorce, I wasn't anticipating anyone taking over.

I did the only logical and rational thing a gal could possibly do to save the fragile pscyhe, I ran away.  Yep, skipped town with my three kids and booked a few nights at my absolutely favorite place to be with them, Skytop Lodge, in Skytop, PA.  Ok, so we didn't run away all that far, it was a two hour car ride, and I was conscious of escaping my reality - therefore I had rationalized it wasn't all that bad.  While it was a calculated escape, I felt very safe and quite secure in my decision knowing that I could celebrate on my terms...I hadn't done much on my terms in quite some time.

Skytop is an old world family resort in the Poconos.  Meals are family style and amazing...you must dress for dinner. During June activities include swimming, boating, hiking, and rock climbing.  We were there during the week and only a few other people  were visiting.  Whenever we wanted to do anything we had to alert the front desk and we could hear them radio around to find assistance for us "the girls would like to borrow bikes," "the girls would like to go boating."  We were "the girls."

When we first arrived the kids wanted to swim.  We have only visited Skytop in the winter and they had never swam in the outside portion of the pool.  Of course, they didn't even ask if I wanted to join them for a dip as they there was no way it was going to be the required princess temperature of 90 degrees for me to go in.  So I sat and watched from my lounge chair as they held underwater handstand contests and swam laps.

And then it hit me....like the few times I have stood up in my kitchen and made cerebral contact with an open cabinet door... I was vacationing with my kids....as a single mom...stepping out with my new label in a very significant way....oh my gosh.

Did I look different?  Could anyone tell?  Was I supposed to be acting a certain new way?   Don't get me wrong...I had done lots of things alone with my kids....but nothing of this magnitude.  I had no one to check in with, no man to call ...and it was astonishing that I felt so ok, awesome in fact. I started to realize how alone I had felt in the many years of the marriage.  It was always me, in charge, dragging us along through life..I had been  miserable steering  the ship without an active co-captain.  To top it all off, for all those years, I felt the need to put on a big show that everything was super fantastic - it had all been so exhausting.  Now I was down a person, more alone but  I was no longer lonely. It was perfectly divine.

Quite focused on the "single mom stepping out" part, I made sure to take careful note of my surroundings, as this was an epic moment I wanted to savor.  I remember the way my children played (I took a picture of the underwater handstand contest - all you can see are their little feat - the photo still hangs in my room).  I took a moment to appreciate the beauty of Skytop in the spring since I had never seen it before...the way the sky was overcast and it was getting late and we needed to be dress for dinner -  but I wanted to sit a bit longer.   Then the majestic scene came crashing down when I looked to my right and there was a weird guy in a banana hammock oooogling at me (and just for the record, banana hammocks are soooo not Skytop attire).

Then I started unexpectedly emoting... the tears rolled down my cheeks just beyond my RayBans....and not even the banana hammock could distract me from the release.  I felt a peace I had never before experienced.  For months I had been trying to convince myself that everything was going to be ok - and now it was clearly part of my belief system.  The hardness of being a single mom had softened, the disappointment in myself had started to fade. I deserved to be this happy.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't have the slightest inkling how the whole mess was going to turn out for the better, I just knew it would.  I could sit confidently in my life even with the "single mom" social stigma (self-imposed) just as comfortably as I sat in that chaise. And I guess all my worry about how I looked in my new role was for naught...according to the guy in the banana hammock I looked just fine, thank you very much.

As if all that upheaval of emotion wasn't enough of a birthday present, I also realized that I couldn't confine my breakthroughs to my psychologist's office or my scheduled journaling time.  And you will find as you move through your divorce and into your post-divorce life, you never know when those precious moments are going to hit. Savor them, your surroundings, the even the oddities.  Take a moment to acknowledge the work you have done to get to a point of clarity, honor it in some way, and move forward to work for the next one.

The privilege of knowing my children...

Long ago, as a newly divorced single mom, the thought of hitting the dating scene made my skin crawl.  I was concerned how I would even fit a date into my insane schedule let along meet an acceptable guy. I knew my wardrobe wasn't up to snuff and had no idea how all the newfangled technology of texting and facebook figured into a relationship.  But really, at the heart of my concern was my children...do I tell them I am dating, when is it appropriate to introduce them to a boyfriend (oh my gosh I am going to have a boyfriend?).  How would this boyfriend react to my kids?

I was out on a date with my first victim who told me that I talked about my kids...a lot.  He continued by saying that "most single guys consider a woman's children baggage" and he continued with "not that I do."  Ok there buddy, thanks for clearing that up.  A bit stunned I retorted with "well, I wouldn't date a man who considered my kids as baggage....any guy who is in my life better realize that it is a privilege to be let into the lives of my children."  He was floored.  I knocked him speechless.  Score one for the single mom - no, sorry, I am not so pathetic that I would date a guy simply to have some arm candy...my guy has got to be in it not only for hanging out with me, but also for the privilege of being allowed in the presence of my children.  And yes, he best consider himself lucky.

As a single mom, my children are not baggage, they are part of a package you get when you date me.  And if I deem you as worthy of meeting them it is just as big of a honor as being Knighted by the Queen of England. As I assured my boyfriend, I would help him ease into the lives of my children.  Now he is off and running striking that appropriate balance of spoiler and parent. He isn't their dad or an uncle - but somewhere in between those roles.

When I have my parenting time, he spends time with us.  He is well aware of and embraces "the package deal."  He has attended school plays, award ceremonies and sporting events.  He's watched chick shows, 6 hours of the Olympic opening ceremonies and has downloaded a Glee trivia app on his iPhone to play with my kids.  He spoils them by giving them too much arcade money and keeps birthday gifts appropriate.  When we go to his house we play monopoly, poker, and he has taken them fishing.  He stepped in and renegotiated their back to school shopping budget in their favor...there he might have gone too far, but I let him have his fun.

Now, every couple needs alone time.  And I am lucky that my kids' dad is in the picture for long and short spurts of time so we can get away to escape life together.  But at the heart of my life are my three amazing daughters, and my guy is all  in... to help me and give them all that they need.

So ladies, please make sure to make it very clear that your children are not accessories. Your kids are literally part of the fabric that makes you fabulous.  Before you even agree to officially "date" make your priorities and expectations clear.  And if a guy rolls his eyes, complains about spending time with your children, or makes himself scarce when they are around...it's time to kick him to the curb and go find yourself someone worthy of spending time with you and your kids...just like I did.