The Decision of Religion

One Mom’s Search for her own Garden of Eden – No Serpents Allowed

Examining the idea of religion has brought me to the realization that there are two sides to the communion wafer.  On one you have rules and conformity and the other a spiritual connection.  At any given time you may find your soul ebbing and flowing between the sides…searching and following… enjoying the comforts of community, traditions, and dogma, but hopefully taking time to be moved by the spirit.    

I was raised as a devout Catholic…actually the word devout isn’t strong enough.  President of my church youth group, student diocesan retreat leader, and then happily skipped off to Fordham University.  There was no questioning, no doubting, and no freedom to explore. My family and I considered religion on equal footing with race and ethnicity, that could never, would never, be changed. 

Soon enough it was time for me to bring my own children into the flock.  As they started memorizing prayers for points in CCD class, with recitation more important than understanding, a crack formed in the foundation of my unwavering devotion.  For the very first time I allowed the questions to rise and I needed answers.  I met with priests and deacons, I read and I searched…and without going into detail, I didn’t like what I found. 

So, on a bright sunny Saturday in May, 2009, after my youngest daughter received her first holy communion, I walked out the doors of a Catholic Church for the last time as a practicing member – and drank Margaritas on my back deck with 50 of our nearest and dearest and silently celebrated my confusion. 

I made the conscious decision not judge those who were Catholic; my choice to leave was in no way an admonishment of their choice to stay.  I was not given that same respect and many made it known that I was crazy, going to hell, and my children would permanently suffer due to a lack of religious identity. Whatever, I moved on. 

 

I quickly self-labeled as a recovering Catholic and allowed myself to explore and rest on the damage done by how I had internalized my former devoutness.  The very idea of black and white rules, someone else deciding what was right and wrong for me, a fear of God’s punishment for eating meat on Friday, missing a Sunday mass, or…gasp…voting Democrat.  The fire and brimstone description of hell by those who secretly abused while on their own self-proclaimed righteous path –the exclusion of those who choose alternative lifestyles...all the judgment…oh the judgment.  The hypocrisy which I previously supported overwhelmed me.   How did this all effect the way I operate in the world? Who was I and what would my life look like without the thick layer of church doctrine guiding my path? 

I thought my first move should be to jump to another religion so my soul had official protection.  I selected without hesitation the Presbyterian church down the street.  I sought the council of Pastor Jeff Vamos who helped me sort out the issues of my new recovering Catholic status.  I thought he was going to offer membership to me with open arms.  But he did just the opposite.  He said it wouldn't be a good idea for me to join given the transition.  He let me know that the church community was available for the spiritual needs of me and my children (phew!) and when the time came, the community would be ready.  My daughters have attended youth group which is all that they are interested in at this time.  Fine by me.  

I moved along my path into two serious post divorce romantic relationships and religion was not a part of either one.  I welcomed the distance from a house of worship and allowed the damage I carried to dissipate.  However I did feel like something was missing. 

Recently someone new has joined my path and he has shared he is part of a religious community. All I really know is that he has found great peace.  Simply by his sharing that he is involved, I felt a little light go off inside of me…wake up Jen, this might be the time to explore. Dissertation finished (check!) now time to nourish the soul.  I am finally in a position in life where the journey of spirituality and possibly religion could be mine and mine alone for my heart to tailor in a way that resonates just for me.   No judgment, no expectations….just me and the higher power.  And since I just made the declaration to get out of my head and into my heart and find time and space to quiet my mind, the man upstairs could be part of that… to connect to, to sit with, and to just be.  Maybe a spiritual community could help me with this quest but on terms I agree to with only the almighty…without the should’s or must’s.  

Last week I was in charge of cooking dinner for youth group (don’t worry they all survived).  I found myself with a few extra minutes and wandered into chapel, where I just sat with my surroundings and felt great peace.  I took it as a good sign that lightning didn't strike.  In those moments of sitting I challenged myself to take a small step forward and attend the low-key worship Sunday night.  Turns out it was gospel service – with special guests from Camden.  For a chick doing so much soul searching this suddenly turned into the perfect place to start.  There was soul and fun and spirit. My lack of vocal talent was masked by loud clapping.

Jeff the preacher acknowledged my presence with a warm welcome from across the room.  Jeff is a calming spirit – a little Zen– a hobby carpenter who has built meditation benches and carved salad bowls for his flock.  Years ago I remember he had a walking labyrinth for Lent.  So as I sat and observed and digested I realized that Jeff’s peace fits with my recently declared quest for mindfulness as well.  Huhhh….I felt a fit. 

So will I drink the Kool-Aid from the cup of the carpenter and dive in full force?  I can unequivocally say that for the moment, no.  I’m not in the mood to study, to struggle, or read much.  I don’t want this to be an intellectual exercise.  My joiner days are over.  But I am definitely on a path that feels right for me…and so I will continue.  This coming Sunday the gospel singers return for round two and the topic of preaching is the story of the Whore of Babylon…no way am I missing that one…add to that the incense and fire pit in the middle of the room and well….I think it all might be better than the Game of Thrones.  

Dissertation Acknowledgements

     I would like to thank the members of my dissertation committee for agreeing to help me with this monumental undertaking.  Dr. William Firestone, the chair of my committee has provided me with steadfast support through this project for which I am grateful.  I have greatly appreciated his guidance and wisdom as I walked the dissertation path over the last two years. 

     In 1995 I started at the Graduate School of Education as a non-matriculated student hoping to find a permanent place in a master’s program.  I took my first class, Statistics I, with Dr. Douglas Penfield.  Now, 18 years later, he sits as a member on my dissertation committee.  Dr. Penfield has provided me with invaluable guidance and support when I returned to Rutgers for my PhD in 2006 and throughout my entire doctoral program.  I am honored that mine will be one of the last dissertations he reads as he retires from the University. 

     I would like to thank Dr. Aliza Belzer and Dr. Laura Hamilton, for agreeing to join my committee.  It has been quite an honor to have two strong women to turn to for guidance during this endeavor.  Their expertise and thoughtful comments on my work have been invaluable. 

     A thank you to the professors at the GSE for their help along this journey.  Most notably, Dr. Lorraine McCune who recognized my leadership qualities and provided me with multiple opportunities to manage and teach classes. Special thanks to Dr. Drew Gitomer for giving me the opportunity to work on his research team which proved to be an invaluable experience. 

     I am grateful to my father, Dr. Francis Gardella, who set a shining example for me in many areas of life including academia.  It has been my honor to follow in Dad’s academic footsteps as an undergraduate attending Fordham University and then pursing my doctoral work at Rutgers.  And to my mother Gail who made sure I was independent, wise in the world, could stand on my own and accomplish anything I put my mind to.  She is also the support behind my father’s success and deserves credit all around.  To my brother Derek, sister-in-law Laura, and niece Paige, I am so grateful to have them in my life.  Nothing is more important than the love of family and I am so blessed to have you surrounding me at this time in my life. 

     I would also like to thank my partner in parenting, John Wengler who has provided me with unconditional support during each step of my Ph.D. process since I had the idea to apply back in 2005.

     To my friends at Rutgers University who were an unexpected and fantastic compliment to my academic program. Lynne and La Reina, the endless support and guidance we have provided to each other have been priceless. 

     The final push to complete this work came at a very unique time in my life and I was lucky beyond words to have so much support.  Special thanks to Dannielle, Susan, Eric, Lori, Melissa, Helen, and Maria, for their friendship and positive energy.  This final document was synthesized at the kitchen tables of my dear friends Susan and Maria, and I am grateful to have had such peaceful space to complete this work.  And my friend Maria, when the housing department at Fordham assigned us to the same dormitory floor freshman year little did they know they were giving such a gift to me.  She has always stood by my side, and placed great trust in my judgment. Last but not least, my dear friend Marcus, who knew just the type of encouragement I needed to get me through to the end.  His check-ins and unwavering belief in me were invaluable and helped keep me focused and motivated. 

     And to my daughters, who are each a shining example of strong young woman I am honored to have in my life.  Simply by your existence you inspire me daily.  May you find your own happiness and great success in whatever path you choose to take and know that I support you as you chart your own course in life.  And, as I promised you years ago when I started on my doctoral journey, yes, it’s finally time to get the puppy.  

Breakthrough in the Garden of Peace

I have always taken a pragmatic approach to life.  Driven by blinding ambition, my daily routine has consisted of a well-thought out list to be accomplished.  Success has been marked and recorded by the perfect completion of a series of tasks that were designed to make me shine.  And that I did…I accomplished,  a whole lot.  Like the doctoral dissertation I just finished the final edits on this morning.  Play big or go home. 

In fact, given that the big check mark can soon be placed next to the PhD, I already have a whole list of things to do next.  Find a job, get my business going, fix up my house, get my life in order….

But I also want desperately to find peace in my mind, slow the hamster wheel down, stop the endless lists that run through my head… the 5 billion rpms that rev. The workaholic has served me well, but she needs balance, she needs help shutting off the screens…smelling the roses, sitting in the sun (with spf 50 on of course). 

Just two weeks ago I started an “Exploration of Self” program guided by my good friend Marcus Padulchick, to examine my inner core.  The prospect of doing some psychological digging with Marcus was intriguing so I jumped in. 

During a recent session, Marcus encouraged our group to  “get out of your head and into your heart.”  I’ve heard this one before, always sounded like a good idea to me.  So I immediately thought “I got this…I work like a maniac until 6pm each night then shut down and find some peace.”  I could use a little less organizing and a little more guidance from my ticker in the evening.  At this point I was delusional thinking Marcus was talking about making some peace in my life after a day of craziness. 

I quickly realized Marcus was encouraging us to let our hearts guide our way, all the time….clearly he is insane.  How the heck could that happen?  No intellectual over analyzation of each and every decision?  Let’s see how Marcus plans for me to get this done.  As the call progressed I waited, and waited for Marcus to give me the plan.  What is step 1, what do I do first, how does this process unfold of moving from head to heart?  When was he going to impart me the instructions – the list that I could print out, and tick off as I accomplished? 

And then I realized the list wasn’t coming (ok, truth be told, he called me out that I was sitting there waiting for it and then dropped the bomb that it wasn’t coming).  Because, as it turns out this process of letting go of the intellectual and instead letting your heart sing cannot be planned, or scripted, or stepped into.  I sat, over-analyzed the lack of plan and thought, “Crapola – now I am lost.” 

You may remember me mentioning that I am spending some time with a dear friend when I am not with my children .  I had the opportunity to talk to her right after the call.  We discussed that it is def-com 5 critical importance for me to get out of my head and into my heart.  The intellectual side of me is fabulous as are my stunning outgoing personality and confidence.  While they have served me well I am most definitely missing the heartfelt side of life.  I explained my struggle with the process of knowing how to…and then it hit us at the same time, I do have a model, a blueprint, a guide to follow…the way that I parent. 

The very next day I had the good fortune of visiting with Michele Engoran  at the Center for Relaxation and Healing .  She is my Rock of Gibraltar in times of change and coincidentally I already had the meeting scheduled.  Michele has helped me battle demons in these last three months and I was ready to move on.  I shared the "out of head into heart" commitment I had made.  She ecstatically encouraged me to examine the way I dip into my heart when I parent, and look to explore that and use it in other areas of my life.  Operating without fear…and with my heart singing. 

And so began “Jen get out of your head and into your heart tour, 2013.” I had  blueprint…no clue what to do with it, but it was certainly something I could hang my hat and my mediation blanket on.    

That afternoon was the first day of beautiful weather and I had the good fortune of  some alone time sitting in my friend’s garden, among the first signs of spring as her dog psychotically barked scaring the crap out of the  defenseless mothers walking by pushing their strollers. 

I thought about parenting, the way I dip into my heart, and how that could lead me in other areas of my life.  The excitement of this blueprint, tied to my children was so overwhelming I noticed unexplained tears in my eyes.  And then it hit me, like a wonderous ton of bricks, each smacking me in the face to wake up me up and see a bigger picture…that is wasn’t just my parenting style that would show me the way, it was the very existence of my three daughters.  My children were not only sent for me to raise, nurture and guide, but they were the ones who coaxed my heart to authentically sing.  Yes, they have taught plenty throughout the years, including the limits of my patience and how to stretch a dollar.  But all jokes aside, this probably was their biggest undertaking to date and all they had to do was be their fabulous selves. 

When each of them was born, I was given a gift to be my authentic self, to operate from unconditional love.  Simply by their existence I had naturally operated from my heart.  And now, as I look for the guidance I crave to stir my heart to lead in all areas, I look to the way that I parent them as stunning individuals charting their own amazing paths in life.  They are more than just the gift of wonder, they are now my greatest teachers, to inspire me to be the real me.  Not just as a mom, but in all areas of my life.  This was one of those classic “oh young grasshopper you have become the greatest teacher.” 

Parenting has come naturally to me.  Sure, I’ve read a fair share of books, websites, blogs and even took a class or two.  But the fundamental core of who I am as a mom is not an intellectual exercise – when I parent, it is straight from the heart with guiding love for the individual souls of my children.  I operate without fear, knowing I will make mistakes, apologizing to them when I do.  I give loving guidance (sometimes masked as aberrant screaming) and encourage them to be their truest authentic selves.    

Now, I explore how to dip into my heart to guide me through other areas of my life.  What resonates, what does not.  What do I truly want in a career?.  What will make my heart sing?  What will bring me joy, who should I let in?  What space do I need to remain independent yet who gets the privilege of the inner circle?  Who will cherish all of me, help me in my journey, and be given the golden prize as my partner?  Could he already be here?  These questions are no longer to be dissected and planned, but rather let go from my heart like whispers in the wind to unfold and find their way. In fact, I let them go in the breeze of the garden.  

Why did this great breakthrough, happen there in the garden?  Could it be my friend’s unconditional love and support she has provided to me and the safety I feel in her home?  Did I feel the support and kick in the ass from Marcus, the confirmation of Michele, the knowing I had a blueprint?  Did the tears flow because I had figured it out?  Did I realize a deeper understanding of parenthood, was it that my children suddenly had an even higher place of importance in my life as my teachers, the enablers of this flow of energy of my heart?  Yes, yes, yes….and you got it, yes. 

Stay tuned…I do believe this journey is going to be a wild ride.  Oh, and just for the record, only my heart will be singing, I have no intention of actually singing…so you can cross earplugs off your shopping list.