Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The five types of friends you need around you....

For a majority of my life I longed for a large clique of friends.  The dream was simple, our husbands would be friends, our children would be friends.  We would live in the same community, meet at the park and pool, have pizza on Friday nights.  When I moved to Lawrenceville, I worked hard to develop the clique, and I did achieve the goal, and then I went through my NJ divorce and the clique ditched me.   Buhh bye...  But while painful, I realized that my natural desire to have the clique doesn't particularly fit with my personality or lifestyle. Instead, I've realized I'm more of an island type of chick, and I'm really happy with the change of attitude.  Instead of a clique, I have many women in my life, each different and each plays an important role.
To describe the five in a blog post doesn't do them justice, but I will try.  Because if you are going through a divorce or are post-divorce, you need these types of women around you.

And, yes, I changed their names...to all stripper names...I really don't know why, but it certainly makes it all a bit funnier.

Bubbles is one of my two local best buds, happily married and a very successful business women.  She's well liked and well connected in our community on many levels.  She is the local friend I would call in the middle of the night, she's also the one I would hide behind during a fight (she is one tough cookie).  When I got bad news from the doctor last year, I ran and cried on her shoulder.  We meet for lunch and we can each pour our hearts out.  She's got drama to share, I've  got drama to share  - and we always seem to be working through the same type of stuff.  Most importantly, we  both know it is all under veil of secrecy like the "get smart cone of silence."   No one really knows we are good friends - they usually find out when they start talking trash about me and she jumps to my side.

Bambie and I were acquaintances during our High School years.  She friended me on Facebook and it was fun to reconnect and see that she was doing well and looked happy.  We both have three children and are awesome active moms living similar lives in different states.  We were divorcing at the same time and have connected countless times over facebook messaging about our post-divorce dating lives.   She is someone who constantly tells me it is great to see me and my guy so happy and I regularly do the same. I have found tremendous comfort knowing there is someone just like me out there as we both have both recently walked down the path of introducing the new guy to our kids.  Today I woke up to a FB message from her that her new guy had cheated - and I had tears over the pain she must be feeling.

My friend Roxie is that bundle of energy on the other side of the country.  I found her during a stint of personal growth work in California.  When I was in an insane post-divorce relationship, she was in one as equally as crazy.  She was the one who wasn't scared to warn me about the hell I would face if I stayed.  She also was the one to applaud my decision to stay since I was convinced it was the right place for me to be.  I could feel her hug across the country when I finally left him, and she applauds me constantly for great life I now have.  She is my cheerleader.

Daisy and I were neighbors, circulating in very different circles for the first 9 years I lived in Lawrenceville. She went through a bit of weird drama with her clique and I had heard she was out.  One day I got a message from her stating "wanna have lunch?"  I was wondering if she wanted a friend, was about to start a phd program, or wanted info on getting a divorce.  I would not have been surprised by any scenario, and when it was the latter, I was honored that she chose me to reach out to at such a time of crisis.  She went through a bad trial in the court of public opinion like I did, and is the one person I can laugh with about how those who judged us are pathetic.  I have applauded her as she has moved on through some very difficult times in the last few years and could not be happier that she has found an abundance of peace and happiness settling into a great life for her and her children.  She is the greatest post-divorce success story I have seen.

And then there is Candy.  I have saved her for last on purpose.  She is my dearest friend.   During the many calls I had to make when I was getting divorced, she was the one and only person who told me she completely trusted I was making the right decision.   I can call her and remind her of a funny story from 20 years ago, I can call her when my life is in crisis and I am in unbearable pain. She has a wild unprecedented dedication to her family.  She is a  business success story in NYC and has left and postponed,  a meeting or two to take a call when I was at the edge.  She is the one friend who follows up for days after making sure I am ok.  She isn't afraid to tell me she disagrees with me, and knows my entire adult history well enough that is the one person who can look at any issue with me from a historical perspective.

Every divorcing and post-divorce women needs support around them.  Your friends may fall into categories like mine, or may be a completely different mix.  No matter how they shake out in your life, make sure you have a group you can shake it with - like my Bubbles, Bambie, Roxie, Daisy, and Candy.  Women I am lucky to have in my life for their friendship, and hey, if I ever open a strip club, I've got my headline acts all set.

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