Friday, November 21, 2014

The Nastiness of Betrayal

I've been dealing with some icky feelings this week, those of betrayal.  It is my hottest negative trigger.  Lie to me in any way, betray me, go behind my back in a dishonest way and a blackout is in your immediate future.  A boyfriend decides he needs to flirt with another women via private Facebook message and I find out through her husband...yeah, that didn't go well in that previous relationship.  And this week those feelings of betrayal came back to haunt me as a friend called with some news of her rather new relationship.

She has hit a bump with her man.  They have been dating for five months and she just learned that he had been in touch with "others" during the first two months of their courtship.  They met online dating, a process that it designed to put you in touch with many for the purposes of finding 'the one."  So, it is only natural to assume that even on your first few dates you are both still in touch with, if not meeting up with a few others.  However, as with my friend, once exclusive is said and profiles brought down, it is implied and even formally agreed to that you will both detach from the others.  

Some may think this is extreme.  I do not. It is so easy for communications with others to go awry.  She sends him a message when she breaks up with her boyfriend "hey, why didn't we ever work?" Or someone you met online dating suddenly realizes they should have accepted his invitation to dinner.  A flirt here, sext there.  How about the old "hey I miss our chats, wanna talk?"

And that is where my friend found herself last week when he asked her to pick-up his ringing phone. The voice was female and my friend recognized the name on caller id.  The details are not important but he admitted they had met for a few dates months ago and had kept in touch...flirted...sent some inappropriate messages.  She reached out to him again, he "didn't know how to stop it."

Here is how you stop it cold...in its tracks...."hey, great to hear from you but I am working on a new relationship that is already committed.  Your guy is out there and I wish you the best of luck.  It is best if we are not in touch."

As I introduced above, my icky feelings from the past surfaced as I heard my friend's woes.  Now, when the past shows up it is best to shut the door, it has nothing new to say - and I agree, unless it knocks down the door.  I was dating a many who did have quite a little emotional tryst with a women through Facebook private messages.  I learned of their interactions, including her request that they spend a night together, when her husband copied the communications and emailed them to me.

Ya know what came out of that?  A realization that I have no time or space in my life for this drama. Why on earth would you want to spend time on that level with another person when you are with someone else?  Well, it is simple...you are either with the wrong person or you have a serious self-esteem issue.  You somehow need the attention.  I don't want to be with that type of person. To the right guy, I am enough...more than enough. In fact, if you have extra time on your hands spend it wowing me - mow my lawn or tackle a small project in my house.  

A bit more about what this all means to me.
Well, I'm not giving up details about my actual relationship, but will tell you that I take interaction with "others" to the extreme (shocking, I know). It is simple, there will be no contact.  Within a couple weeks of dating my guy I said goodbye, to an ex-boyfriend I was still in contact with, a connection without commitment, and a few guys from online dating (some I had met, some I had not).  They each received a simple message of "I just started seeing someone and do not think it is appropriate we are in touch.  I wish you nothing but the best."  (Obviously some were more personal depending on the relationship).  I received thank you's and good wishes back.  They were appreciative I had not just disappeared and also were glad I wasn't dragging them along when I was with someone else.

To kick the whole thing up a notch (me?  shocking I know).
I walk around in the world, in personal interactions and in cyberspace, as a very taken women.  I am in a committed relationship and would never do or say anything that would give another individual any idea that I might be interested or available.  I would never embarrass or insult my boyfriend in that way, ever. And I expect the same out of him. Look, he has the privilege of dating me, and vice versa.  The appearance of impropriety is impropriety in and of itself.  If he needs to flirt in the real-world or online with others to feed some insecurity then he is not the guy for me.  Clearly made when we met and given his center core of integrity I don't doubt for a second he lives by his promise.

Hey look, when you are a whole and complete person you don't need validation from another. You are not out in the world to see how many people you can connect with so you feel better about yourself.  You know you rock, and look for someone who appreciates your awesomeness....

...or as I like to say, your matched crazy.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Me and My Buddy Marcus

There came a point in my life when I realized (accepted) that the universe did not send me to earth with a natural support system.  While I am a very independent chick, this lack of a group presented a huge problem.  I craved a naturally given circle around me accepting me for whom I am and enjoying each other's company with unconditional love.  Once I accepted the fact that I had to put my own group around me, well, he walked in.

Who is he to me?  A mentor, a friend, a business coach.  Sometimes a brother, plays the part of uncle, and has at times even stepped in with fatherly advice.  I joke a lot and call him my guru, he really doesn't like that. In fact, he prefers not to be labeled at all.  Let's just go with his name then, Marcus.  

I was recently speaking at a networking and Marcus attended.  I was honored beyond words with his presence.  I quoted him several times during my presentation and afterwards several participants commented that we have "quite a relationship." They asked "how can I get a relationship like that for myself?"  Each time I replied with the same message, "you can not "get" this type of relationship....it has to be sent to you....it has to be found....it has to be nurtured and held sacred.  You have to find the right person."  Marcus and I are both unique individuals and our mutual crazy and vibrational levels match, almost in step with one another.  Ours is a friendship that developed from a mutual admiration and respect for one another.  Kindred spirits both build from an authenticity rarely found.

Marcus entered my life years ago when was battling a serious medical condition and wanted his naturopathic wisdom.  Over the next few years we kept in touch largely through Facebook and I watched him move into the Google+ sphere.  In fact his knowledge and use of social media brought me to his door for professional guidance when a job required me pushing out a strategic social media campaign.  At our first meeting I was ready to roll, pen in hand prepared to hang on and write down his every word.  Yet, he had a very different agenda in mind and his was the plan that we actually followed.

It quickly became apparent I was not leaving his den without a full examination of my spirit.  He called into question many aspects of my life.  He had been watching, very closely on Facebook, and had reason for great concern.  I sat defensive in my chair and started lying through my teeth.  "Everything is fine, better than fine, I'm really happy."  He asked me about my dissertation, my children, the state of my current romantic relationship.  I silently wondered how the heck he could sense problems - from a few pictures on Facebook no less!  It is only now that I realized he was able to see my soul without judgement, saw the darkness I was harboring and wanted to help me out. 

With his unwavering help I positioned that business I was working for to first page rankings on Google search (shameless ad for my skills) all the while Marcus and I developed a very comfortable relationship based on a common interest in each other as people.  When I found myself making an unexpected and shocking turn in life, it was Marcus who helped me see the opportunity.  It was his texts,  (almost daily), that lifted me as I moved through the end of my dissertation.  

Marcus is the first one I went to when I had the idea for Your Social Media Hour.  I can remember wanting to share with him my 10 page business plan and shell of a website I had created.  At that time I honestly thought he was going to give me a huge hug, tell me to polish my resume, and go and get a real job.  But instead he saw great value in my idea and the passion I held in my heart.  His stamp of approval on my plan meant the world to me.  

As my business started to grow a bit Marcus took on the monumental task of getting me to start living from my heart.  As a analytical, list making, Type A personality this was a challenge I thought might break us both.  We called it the "get out of your head and into your heart tour, 2013" and, to his credit and possible exhaustion that mission was completed.  The repositioning of life shifted everything I did and life got hopping.  I would share my trials, tribulations and successes with him often and there were times he believed in me more than I did myself. My favorite text from him of all time:

"Whose ass are you kicking today princess?"

As we keep in touch, just about every day, he acts as one of my closest confidants and advisors.  He impacts every aspect of my life from children, friends, family, and my business.  He is the male confidant I was not given in life and he fills that cup to the point where it is overflowing. He is like a chameleon in my life, bringing forth the guidance I need at any given time just as I need it.  Always adjusting the delivery and intensity of his support and always providing unconditional love as I need it.

It isn't all peace and love all the time, sometimes he has to take out his proverbial 2x4 and whack me upside the head hitting me squarely in my craziness knocking me back to reality.  That is the balance to having Marcus in my life...the greatest care and compassion but if you slip into victim, pity or uncertainty, well brace yourself.  

Sunday, August 10, 2014

My Client: "I Have Been Waiting for This Moment"

Me:  "And I am Honored to Share it with You."  


This week I had the great fortune of meeting with Kay and Sparky, a husband and wife team living in Central New Jersey.  They asked for a consultation appointment with me to help understand, plan and build their social media presence for Adornamentals.

As I sat down at their dining room table Kay said to me "I have been waiting for this moment."  She has been sewing her fingers to the bones for years building a very unique product.  And while holding her hand through the process, Sparky has helped her start to lay plans for the actual business side. They have built a product and a small business poised to go to the next level with a strategic internet marketing campaign.

And they had selected me for this next step. 


Upon learning this I had goosebumps.  My name and service came highly recommended to them through a local small business association. They had heard I dedicated my work to helping small business owners put plans in place for their website, blog and social media footprint including LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, and Google+.  We spent just over two hours together.  I explained how to maximize the time they spent working on their website including pages to add (and a blog of course).  We discussed the importance of a strong social media campaign and how progress could be made without overwhelming their schedules.  They set an overall goal and we worked a few manageable steps.  We agreed to check back in about a month.

Kay's product is exquisite and I am almost at a loss for how to describe it (stop laughing, yes, I am at a loss for words).  It is a home furnishing item that goes beyond anything I have ever seen in a store.  Kay uniquely and individually crafts one of a kind ornaments for you to hang. Looking for something to fill a corner, bring color up to the ceiling and tie it all together with a beautiful fabric?  That is where she fits. They can hang anywhere, but when they talked about filling a corner that really made sense to me. They have a house full of samples, fabrics and multiple spaces dedicated to their business. In the way that the talk and live, their passion to build and succeed shines through.

Sitting with this couple I closely watched their dedication to the business as well as to each other and the experience reaffirmed a few ideals for me.  First, finding love a second time around is possible.  When you are a small business owner out in the dating world you are not just looking for a mate but for a business partner.  You never know when they are going to get sucked into your enterprise and since you walk, talk, and breathe your business it is going to mesh with your personal life.  You need someone who can support you through the good and bad of your business and also stand proudly and represent you - because by extension, when walking around in the world, they are part of who you are.  For instance, you may have a social "significant others included" networking event and you best have someone awesome to bring with you. Like I am doing, for the +Network Now Connections LLC  anniversary party with my buddy +Jamie Broderick in a month.

And lastly, as I sat with Kay and Sparky I realized I am absolutely in the right business for me.  I loved working with this couple, answering their questions, providing them with the information they needed to promote their business.  When we first sat down they had a list of questions and were very confused about where to begin.  By the end they had clear direction, an action set to complete before we meet again, and peace of mind that their marketing goals were achievable.  As I often say, I'm not a good cook but if you need someone to teach you and then help you promote your business on the internet, I'm the gal to call.  



Monday, August 4, 2014

Have I showered today? Relaunching a website.

In January I was given some startling advice.  My website, while brilliantly written, was not designed to attract my target audience..small business owners needing and wanting help with their social media campaigns.  The site was too crowded, unclear, and generally not user friendly.  I was devastated but up to the challenge of fixing it all.  I thought and thought about all I heard and made a list of what needed to be done...which included:
  1. Launching another website to house my consulting and speaking (and so, www.JenniferGardella.com)
  2. Offering different levels to better meet the needs of my clients - they needed price points, names, and full descriptions.
  3. A better explanation of exactly what people receive. 
  4. Some explanation of exactly what small business owners need to do on social media
  5. I needed to accept credit cards - not just Paypal
  6. The list went on and on on....
It took some time for it to sink in that I needed a whole new plan. The  first website, Jennifer Gardella,  went up rather quickly - I was writing and planning when I found a Wordpress template that I loved and it was very easy to build.  But then I needed to think about the next pieces of the plan. I knew I needed some help with programming my website, a new CRM system, and an endless amount of time to get the pieces in place.  The CRM piece really was a big hurdle and I wound up with Infusionsoft.  It was exciting to take that type of leap and put that faith in my business, but it was a ton of work to get started. I mean a whole bunch of work as I also reworked Your Social Media Hour.  I felt like I was back to the days when my first daughter was born - not sleeping a whole lot and could not remember if I even showered that day. 

As the pieces started coming together I really didn't have a whole lot of time to breath.  Infusionsoft took most of my time and the site was always there to be worked on.  I was writing on line for carpools and in parking lots as I shuffled my kids around.  I would roll out of bed and start working at 6am. I was in a state of "What's Important? What's is Urgent" and there were times when my children made dinner for us and even did the grocery shopping.

And now, the work is done and we are off and running:  writing website articles and blog posts; offering new programs for our military; partnering with Bright Flame Consulting, and working with local small business owners to help them establish their social media footprint..just to name a few things going on.

Being a mom-preneur is so exciting...stay tuned for more exciting things on the horizon and how I get through each one launching!  

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Rules of Online Dating

Just today I was on the phone with my dear friend Paul.  He lives across the country, is in his early 30's, is super amazing, and is right now spending some time in the underbelly of the world...online dating.  As a card carrying member of the "I survived online dating club," I shared with him my rules.  He had never heard most of them and asked me to write them down.  Ask and ye shall receive dear friend.  Here they are:

  1. Have a sense of humor. I was serious about the process and wanted to find a 'special person.' However, right from the start I became very well aware that I was going to experience ridiculous.  In fact, the first night I set up my account I laughed until 1 in the morning.  Guys lounging shirtless on unmade beds in front of a laundry basket, others holding heavy things like rocks and tree stumps; they all had a picture holding a heavy fish or on a motorcycle. I felt like I had entered an alternate universe, because I had.  You can find some of my initial impressions here.  Once I started going on dates crazy got kicked up a notch.  Yes, I was disappointed when someone told me they weren't 'technically' divorce, or lived in their mom's basement, or that the fact they weren't allowed to see their children was just a big 'misunderstanding.'  But I learned to laugh through the entire ordeal knowing he would pop out of the process.  
  2. Be clear about who you are looking for and then be flexible with your list. Online dating operates on the basic law of attraction.  What you put out to the universe is exactly what you are going to receive. You should be clear in your profile about who you are as a person and the qualities you are looking for in a mate.  The great thing about online dating is the more I interacted with others either online or on dates the clearer I became on my list.  For instance, I wanted someone who is a dad, really involved in the lives of his children.  So, if I guy only saw his kids once a week for dinner (typically on Thursday night) he was not for me. 
  3. Name your dates.  While many people have called me out on this idea it was critical to the process.  Naming your dates is not only fun but adds some humor to the process. I had backpack man, the playa, and of course Top Gun.  
  4. Don't book the preacher.  I have written about this topic as well and it just might be the most critical rule.  You see a profile and s/he looks interesting.  You start messaging on the site and eventually take it to text and even phone calls.  He says all the right things, gives good phone, and you think you have found the one...then you meet and you realize there is nothing between you at all - and you are upset.  If the first meeting goes well you find yourself two weeks in and get all excited this could be the one.    My rule - stop and let three months pass before you even think about month four.  Just enjoy those first few months of getting to know one another. Spend lots of time together and talk - a whole lot.  
These rules really really helped me get through those months dating online.  I was hopeful during my search however kept a clear head about the reality of my situation. I knew I had to sift through a whole lot of people to find someone who was the right fit for me (and vice versa of course).  

So, to my dear friend she is out there waiting for you. She may come to you through the world of online dating, or you may casually bump into her on the street.  Know that she will be one lucky girl if she can capture your heart.  

Dear Infusionsoft:

Hi!  My name is Jennifer Gardella, owner and Founder of Your Social Media Hour. I signed on as an Infusionsoft client in June and am thrilled with my decision.  I have entered your “own your summer” contest and thought it would be a good idea to give you a bit more information about me.   I believe I am the perfect small business owner for your grand prize.  

First, directly in line with the mission of Infusionsoft, I too have a passion for helping small business owners, in fact I built my entire business around that goal.  My service, consulting, and speaking engagements are designed to provide critical information at an affordable price point to individuals wanting to build a digital footprint for themselves and their enterprise.  I want all small business owners to use social media as a tool to build the business of their dreams.  And, my service, which provides education to small business owners is the perfect compliment to your social media tools.  

Second, this is the perfect time for me to receive the support your grand prize offers. The consulting appointments that I purchased with the Kickstart package helped me set-up my systems and learn the basics, but I really have only scratched the surface.  Once the initial pieces take-off this week there are many other areas I want to move into. Learning from your experts while still new to the system will ensure my processes are strategic, implemented correctly, and use the full potential of Infusionsoft.  One of the reasons I selected Infusionsoft was for the automation, and I would like to learn from your experts how to maximize those capabilities.  Additionally, this is the perfect time for me to sit with Daymond Jones.  As I launch my plans to grow through Infusionsoft his advice in many areas of my business would be invaluable.  

Third, I am committed to setting measurable goals and progress checkpoints which, in addition to the automation, is what Infusionsoft is all about. I intend to measure each aspect of my business including number of subscribers to my newsletter and service, prospects, average sale, and upsells just to name a few.  Keeping in line with my desire to build, my next program is ready to roll out and will provide another opportunity to sell to current clients.   Guidance on the right way to position this new product would be beneficial. 

Fourth, I have boundless energy and will use each and every piece of the grand prize to the fullest.  You can see my energy in the work I have done including my websites (www.yoursocialmediahour.com and www.jennifergardella.com).   The time and commitment I have poured into my business is evident by the progress I have made.  This blog, NJ Divorce Mom, is full of my passion and values and you can find more evidence in my writing on the Huffington Post.  I have realized success on my own, and look forward to taking it to the next level. I have already come a long way demonstrating my dedication to the belief that my business will soar with the advice of Daymond and year of Infusionsoft consulting. 

Lastly, I would love to take my boyfriend away as a special treat for all of the support he has given to my business.  We began dating when I first launched last July (we met online no less!).  He has given me invaluable business advice, places unwavering belief in my success, and gives me space to get my work done.   As a retired Navy Commander (pilot, I nicknamed him Top Gun) he inspired me to offer my service to military trying to build small businesses, and has shown me a level of integrity and commitment I never thought was possible to find in a partner.

This grand prize would set me up for great success. As a single mother I carry a substantial financial burden in supporting my three teenage daughters.  In the short-term my business is poised to pay our bills, and long-term provide me with the with the financial stability to live the life of my dreams.

By selecting me as your grand prize winner you partner with a highly motivated single mother who has unlimited potential to successfully build a company and bring much needed information to small business owners.  I look forward to following the Own Your Summer contest, taking advantage of the special trainings you are offering on the website and look forward to hearing of your  decision soon.

Thanks so much for your time. 

Sincerely,

Jennifer L. Gardella, Ph.D.
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Thursday, July 24, 2014

40 Bags in 40 Days

March 14 was a fairly big day in my life.  My co-parent had just moved out of the nest into his own place and I was now the sole owner of the house.  After sharing it with him for almost five full years I was ready to make it my own.  But first, there was a whole lot of cleaning to do.  Fifteen years of "stuff" had accumulated.

I looked into many options.  Did you know there are services that will come and just take everything out of your basement?  They just haul it all away.  There are also services that will help you clean, such as Just Simplify Me, a business that will help you clean out your house at whatever level you need. 

I decided that what I really wanted to do was clean out, at least this first round myself.  At that time, lots of people on Facebook were talking about the 40 bags in 40 days concept – commit to filling a garbage bag each day for 40 days.  To me this seemed like a good first step.  Get a handle on the clutter and the extent to which I must clean out. Make a bit of progress, and see what I was in for to getting the whole house completely weeded out.

How did I get it all done?  Well there were times when I would give an hour and see how much I could put into bags.  Other times I just grabbed a bag and started filling.  There were times when I just wanted to clear out one closet.  For instance, when the mood hit me I walked into my closet and bagged anything I had not worn in a year or more.

What went into the 40 bags?  We stuffed them with lots of garbage, old projects that previously could not be parted with (by me or the children), toys, and other chotchkies.  I have a new found respect for those parents who do not allow Happy Meal toys or birthday party favors in their home.  Each of us saying goodbye to our treasures that were important long ago and now helped accomplish a goal. 

Where did the 40 bags go?  I called the Vets, dropped a few things off at Homefront, threw lots away, and gave a few things to friends.  At times we left bigger pieces of furniture out on the street and they were scooped up each day by dinner.


We made substantial progress and still have lots to do.  Next, we move onto the basement…we should putt Hefty on alert and buy their stock – we are going to need a whole lot of bags for that one.