Thursday, May 2, 2013

Online Dating…Kmart or Crack?

My friends have cleared me to date. The words “get out there” have been said, texted, messages, and posted by my inner circle.  I’ve been in two serious post-divorce relationships and just ended a little something.  But this raises the question, where the heck am I going to meet a guy?   I work from home, school is finally over, I’m not dressing up for the gym (and parading around, seriously I can’t see myself as a parader). I’m not going to the supermarket with the hope that some guy is going to ask me to help pick out a melon. 

Everyone keeps telling me give online dating a try.  A good friend, and responders to a recent FB post have all reminded me that there are many success stories.  So maybe yes, if Martha can do it so can I.  But I can’t shake the feeling that that being online it is a lot like being dragged shopping to Kmart when I was a teenager. You may have had that childhood experience running errands with a parent when all of a sudden it was announced “I just have to pick something up at Kmart.”  You realize that stepping foot in the store is an act of social suicide.  You protest, expressing concern for someone spotting you in the store, to which your parent answered, “well if they see you shopping in Kmart, clearly they are also shopping in Kmart, so what is the problem?”  The problem is that I was spotted shopping in Kmart, period, end of story. 

And this is my general feeling about looking for love online.  If someone I know sees me, well that is horrifying – as if it is some indication that I am so pathetic I have to look for love online.  But, that also means they are online looking online as well.  Yeah, still no.  I don’t want anyone to know I’m out there in cyberspace looking for love (oh wait, correction, as I have been told, you just have fun on dates, love finds you - see, I'm learning). 

So in preparation for writing about this perception of online dating I did some research and received the stories of marriages and stalking from friends.  This blog post was ready to roll. My position was cemented, never ever ever.   But then I sat and thought, I can’t write about online dating having never been on. So I decided to give it a whirl. And last night, around 9:30pm, with a pathetic profile set-up, I realized online dating is in fact not  like going to Kmart…it is like taking a hit of crack cocaine – completely intoxicating, completely insane, and very very addicting. 

I instantly started getting messages….wait what?  People are interested? 

I started to sift through profiles.  Now, I have a fairly clear idea of what I am looking for and my list of redflags/deal breakers is fairly detailed. In fact, I was concerned that both were a bit too detailed – overanalyzed.  But I quickly learned others have put the time in as well.  Guys out there are damaged.  Men describing in great detail that they are not looking for crazy:
“crazy looks like you sitting in front of my house for hours and 
 sending me 100 text messages I do not reply to.” 

Or my personal favorite 
Seriously, one cat is OK, two cats means you'd better be 
amazing and three cats means invariably you are on more than
 a few mood stabilizing drugs.Seriously...this is not my first rodeo.” 

Really, cats on a list of dealbreakers?  Drugs, uncontrolled anxiety, and smoking are on mine.  But pets?  Maybe Iguanas and ferrets running lose in a house - but a few cats?  I don’t have cats by the way. 

The profile pictures are a riot.  I wanted to message people and say “Dude, taking a snapshot of you on an unmade bed with a full basket of laundry to be folded is not hot.”   I also started to wonder how some guys look incredibly hot in one of their pictures but then like a serial killer in another.  Some look like they only want to steal my children and sell them into slavery – and yes, I know that look.  There were pictures of men with white patent leather shoes, gold chains, guns, and chain saws.  Some men try to impress by posting images of them lifting heavy objects – large rocks and tree stumps. I saw a lot of camouflage and guys with expressions of “hey baby.” I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.  And yet, as pathetic as it all seemed, I couldn’t stop looking. 

As I was sifting I was laughing so hard at bios and pictures my stomach hurt and I thought I was going to wake-up my children.  I was contacted by men in Maryland (did they not read the part of my profile that says you need to live within 20 minutes of Quakerbridge Mall?) and men as young as 25 and older than 50 (they missed the “looking for someone 42-47”). 

So in this little experiment I didn’t see anyone I knew – a few people who claim to live in town, but I didn’t recognize them.  I might have to throw out my Kmart theory – no fear of being seen. But, while entertaining – and possibly even better than a hit of crack - I can see it being exhausting.  I have been warned that so many on there are fake profiles, psychos, stalkers, and a few who eventually require a restraining order.  But there are many who have found great love as well.  Hmmm…lots to think about. 

Well, I really need to go – someone with the username of Wizard just sent me a message – I mean really, how can I possibly pass up the Wizard?  Of course there is also MrBigHeart – and a few messages from guys “you are hot where to do you live?”  Ummm…no.  

As always faithful readers....I will keep you posted.  

1 comment:

  1. Hello. Loved your post. I too stuck my toe into the online dating pool only to snatch it back pausing just enough to carefully scrape the "Ewwwwww" off . I found it hilarious the number of men who think that a 40 something year old woman would be interested in a guy who calls himself Feelzsogood on Christian Mingle. The "z" in feelz almost did it for me. Woohoo!! What a romantic schemer. My other favorites were Luvuallnite and Hotttt62

    Enjoyed your blog. It was very funny and a great lift on a rainy day. Best wishes in your search.

    Take care, Adrienne
    or maybe I should call myself
    Seriously,dude? 65