Friday, September 27, 2013

Dating: Paying for Sins of an Ex

Don't make me pay for the sins of your ex

In a previous relationship you may have been lied to, cheated on, or even abused.  Your last significant other may have freaked out all the time, been 50 shades of crazy, or just a generallydisappointed in anything you did.  You may have been criticized, put down, or neglected.  There may have been fighting, screaming, and stealing.

You move forward into your next relationship and assume that whatever horrible thing your ex did, your new partner is definitely going to exhibit.  You wait for the freak-outs to start or the fights to begin.  You assume that under her cool calm exterior is an insane woman who is going to unleash fury in your direction for something she imagined.  You wait for him to arrive home drunk or get stoned before attending an event with your children.

You may actually proactively try to protect yourself.  For instance, if you were cheated on, you may have a trust issue.  You may be a little nuts about the whereabouts of your new man, whom he is with, talking to, texting, or friends with on the dreaded Facebook.  You may demand to check his cell phone, his email, and put a tracking app on his phone.  He may push back, not because he wants to hide nefarious behavior, but because he is insulted you don't trust him just because your ex cheat.  You look insane.  This new person has done nothing wrong yet is paying for something your ex did.

I have coined this vicious cycle as making your current partner pay for the sins of your ex.  In fact I have said to many a partner "don't make me pay for the sins of your ex."  You waste all that emotional energy looking and searching for problems rather than building with your new beau.  Big mistake.  Stop looking, you will make yourself bonkers.

So how do you avoid making your current partner pay for what your ex did?  In my case I went looking for someone who has the heart and values to match mine.  I didn't want to walk down the same paths I had before, so I went looking for someone very different.  Next, I really got to know him.  I quickly learned what he was about and realized we weren't going to have the same types of problem.  This guy doesn't like drama, loves his life, and is genuinely happy.  We have fun, tons of fun, and so there is fun in every corner of our relationship.  When there is an issue, neither one of us wants a huge fight, we want to work it out and then go back to having fun together.  He doesn't have an anxiety problem, doesn't need to drink, and there are no drugs.

When you have been burned by past relationships moving forward can be a scary proposition. Do the work to leave the sins of your ex in the past. Find someone who you can really build a life with and then slowly proceed great with caution in the beginning.   Start the relationship off on a footing of just getting to know one another and make sure s/he is the real deal.   And above all, start this new one fresh.  Your past is just that - in the past.  Look forward and build something amazing with a person who deserves it and your amazing self.  


  1. Thanks for sharing your story. The interesting part about this is many have had repeat experience similar to their past. The reason being is that they have kept on lingering on what went wrong before. If you did not changed your story about what you want, you could have had the same path.

  2. Thanks for sharing, Jennifer. I am so glad that you found a way to forget what happened in the past and move on. I believe one can find love takes time but we also have to leave the past behind and not bring baggage to a new relationship.