Dating: Paying for Sins of an Ex

Don't make me pay for the sins of your ex

In a previous relationship you may have been lied to, cheated on, or even abused.  Your last significant other may have freaked out all the time, been 50 shades of crazy, or just a generallydisappointed in anything you did.  You may have been criticized, put down, or neglected.  There may have been fighting, screaming, and stealing.

You move forward into your next relationship and assume that whatever horrible thing your ex did, your new partner is definitely going to exhibit.  You wait for the freak-outs to start or the fights to begin.  You assume that under her cool calm exterior is an insane woman who is going to unleash fury in your direction for something she imagined.  You wait for him to arrive home drunk or get stoned before attending an event with your children.

You may actually proactively try to protect yourself.  For instance, if you were cheated on, you may have a trust issue.  You may be a little nuts about the whereabouts of your new man, whom he is with, talking to, texting, or friends with on the dreaded Facebook.  You may demand to check his cell phone, his email, and put a tracking app on his phone.  He may push back, not because he wants to hide nefarious behavior, but because he is insulted you don't trust him just because your ex cheat.  You look insane.  This new person has done nothing wrong yet is paying for something your ex did.

I have coined this vicious cycle as making your current partner pay for the sins of your ex.  In fact I have said to many a partner "don't make me pay for the sins of your ex."  You waste all that emotional energy looking and searching for problems rather than building with your new beau.  Big mistake.  Stop looking, you will make yourself bonkers.

So how do you avoid making your current partner pay for what your ex did?  In my case I went looking for someone who has the heart and values to match mine.  I didn't want to walk down the same paths I had before, so I went looking for someone very different.  Next, I really got to know him.  I quickly learned what he was about and realized we weren't going to have the same types of problem.  This guy doesn't like drama, loves his life, and is genuinely happy.  We have fun, tons of fun, and so there is fun in every corner of our relationship.  When there is an issue, neither one of us wants a huge fight, we want to work it out and then go back to having fun together.  He doesn't have an anxiety problem, doesn't need to drink, and there are no drugs.

When you have been burned by past relationships moving forward can be a scary proposition. Do the work to leave the sins of your ex in the past. Find someone who you can really build a life with and then slowly proceed great with caution in the beginning.   Start the relationship off on a footing of just getting to know one another and make sure s/he is the real deal.   And above all, start this new one fresh.  Your past is just that - in the past.  Look forward and build something amazing with a person who deserves it and your amazing self.  

A Single Mom Breakthrough...

watch out for banana hammocks.

I split from my now ex-husband a few months shy of my 40th birthday.  For a girl who had usually planned life around major events this was fairly significant.  There would be no party, no big trip, no celebration, no one coordinating activities, or buying big gifts.  I wouldn't be taken out to dinner that night.  And since just about everyone else in my life was furious or shocked with the idea of the divorce, I wasn't anticipating anyone taking over.

I did the only logical and rational thing a gal could possibly do to save the fragile pscyhe, I ran away.  Yep, skipped town with my three kids and booked a few nights at my absolutely favorite place to be with them, Skytop Lodge, in Skytop, PA.  Ok, so we didn't run away all that far, it was a two hour car ride, and I was conscious of escaping my reality - therefore I had rationalized it wasn't all that bad.  While it was a calculated escape, I felt very safe and quite secure in my decision knowing that I could celebrate on my terms...I hadn't done much on my terms in quite some time.

Skytop is an old world family resort in the Poconos.  Meals are family style and amazing...you must dress for dinner. During June activities include swimming, boating, hiking, and rock climbing.  We were there during the week and only a few other people  were visiting.  Whenever we wanted to do anything we had to alert the front desk and we could hear them radio around to find assistance for us "the girls would like to borrow bikes," "the girls would like to go boating."  We were "the girls."

When we first arrived the kids wanted to swim.  We have only visited Skytop in the winter and they had never swam in the outside portion of the pool.  Of course, they didn't even ask if I wanted to join them for a dip as they there was no way it was going to be the required princess temperature of 90 degrees for me to go in.  So I sat and watched from my lounge chair as they held underwater handstand contests and swam laps.

And then it hit me....like the few times I have stood up in my kitchen and made cerebral contact with an open cabinet door... I was vacationing with my kids....as a single mom...stepping out with my new label in a very significant way....oh my gosh.

Did I look different?  Could anyone tell?  Was I supposed to be acting a certain new way?   Don't get me wrong...I had done lots of things alone with my kids....but nothing of this magnitude.  I had no one to check in with, no man to call ...and it was astonishing that I felt so ok, awesome in fact. I started to realize how alone I had felt in the many years of the marriage.  It was always me, in charge, dragging us along through life..I had been  miserable steering  the ship without an active co-captain.  To top it all off, for all those years, I felt the need to put on a big show that everything was super fantastic - it had all been so exhausting.  Now I was down a person, more alone but  I was no longer lonely. It was perfectly divine.

Quite focused on the "single mom stepping out" part, I made sure to take careful note of my surroundings, as this was an epic moment I wanted to savor.  I remember the way my children played (I took a picture of the underwater handstand contest - all you can see are their little feat - the photo still hangs in my room).  I took a moment to appreciate the beauty of Skytop in the spring since I had never seen it before...the way the sky was overcast and it was getting late and we needed to be dress for dinner -  but I wanted to sit a bit longer.   Then the majestic scene came crashing down when I looked to my right and there was a weird guy in a banana hammock oooogling at me (and just for the record, banana hammocks are soooo not Skytop attire).

Then I started unexpectedly emoting... the tears rolled down my cheeks just beyond my RayBans....and not even the banana hammock could distract me from the release.  I felt a peace I had never before experienced.  For months I had been trying to convince myself that everything was going to be ok - and now it was clearly part of my belief system.  The hardness of being a single mom had softened, the disappointment in myself had started to fade. I deserved to be this happy.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't have the slightest inkling how the whole mess was going to turn out for the better, I just knew it would.  I could sit confidently in my life even with the "single mom" social stigma (self-imposed) just as comfortably as I sat in that chaise. And I guess all my worry about how I looked in my new role was for naught...according to the guy in the banana hammock I looked just fine, thank you very much.

As if all that upheaval of emotion wasn't enough of a birthday present, I also realized that I couldn't confine my breakthroughs to my psychologist's office or my scheduled journaling time.  And you will find as you move through your divorce and into your post-divorce life, you never know when those precious moments are going to hit. Savor them, your surroundings, the even the oddities.  Take a moment to acknowledge the work you have done to get to a point of clarity, honor it in some way, and move forward to work for the next one.